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*2012 U. S. survey conducted for eHarmony by Harris Interactive® online, very few will be compatible with you specifically, and it can be difficult to determine the level of compatibility of a potential partner through methods of conventional dating services – browsing classified ads, online personals, or viewing profile photos. Our Compatibility Matching System does the work for you by narrowing the field from thousands of single prospects to match you with a select group of compatible matches with whom you can build a quality relationship.
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Dating advice for people seeking love and better relationships.
10 Texts You Should Never Send to a Love Interest
We're highlighting the 10 text messages you should never, ever send to someone you’re dating. Like, ever.
13 Reasons to Date a Zombie
‘Tis the season to run away from zombies — or date them.
15 Amazing Things About October
October has to be among the most beloved months of the year. The changing leaves, the little goblins and ghouls knocking.
Couple Envy: ‘Why Am I Such a Terrible Person?’
Do You Live ‘For Yourself’?
Speed dating
Speed dating is a formalized matchmaking process or dating system whose purpose is to encourage people to meet a large number of new people. Its origins are credited to Rabbi Yaacov Deyo of Aish HaTorah. originally as a way to help Jewish singles meet and marry. [ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ] SpeedDating . as a single word, is a registered trademark of Aish HaTorah. Speed dating . as two separate words, is often used as a generic term for similar events.
Contents
Organization [ edit ]
Usually advance registration is required for speed dating events. Men and women are rotated to meet each other over a series of short "dates" usually lasting from three to eight minutes depending on the organization running the event. At the end of each interval, the organizer rings a bell, clinks a glass, or blows a whistle to signal the participants to move on to the next date. At the end of the event participants submit to the organizers a list of who they would like to provide their contact information to. If there is a match, contact information is forwarded to both parties. Contact information cannot be traded during the initial meeting, in order to reduce pressure to accept or reject a suitor to his or her face.
There are many speed dating events now in the United Kingdom. Canada. and the United States. Requirements for each event vary with the organizer. Specific age range based on gender is a common restriction for events. Many speed dating events are targeted at particular communities: for example, LGBT people, polyamorists. [ 4 ] Christians. [ 5 ] Graduate student speed dating events are common. [ 6 ]
Practice [ edit ]
Some feel that speed dating has some obvious advantages over most other venues for meeting people, such as bars, discotheques. etc. in that everybody is purportedly there to meet someone, they are grouped into compatible age ranges, it is time-efficient, and the structured interaction eliminates the need to introduce oneself. Unlike many bars, a speed dating event will, by necessity, be quiet enough for people to talk comfortably. Speed dating is for singles.
Participants can come alone without feeling out of place; alternatively it is something that women who like to go out in groups can do together. [ 7 ]
Because the matching itself happens after the event, people do not feel pressured to select or reject each other in person. On the other hand, feedback and gratification are delayed as participants must wait a day or two for their results to come in.
The time limit ensures that a participant will not be stuck with a boorish match for very long, and prevents participants from monopolizing one another's time. On the other hand, a couple that decides they are incompatible early on will have to sit together for the duration of the round.
Most speed dating events match people at random, and participants will meet different "types" that they might not normally talk to in a club. On the other hand, the random matching precludes the various cues, such as eye contact, that people use in bars to preselect each other before chatting them up.
Online speed dating [ edit ]
Several online dating services offer online speed dating where users meet online for video, audio or text chats. The advantage of online speed dating is that users can go on dates from home as it can be done from any internet enabled computer. The disadvantage is people do not actually meet one another.
Scientific research [ edit ]
There have been several studies of the round-robin dating systems themselves, as well as studies of interpersonal attraction that are relevant to these events. Other studies found speed-dating data useful as a way to observe individual choices among random participants.
First impressions [ edit ]
A 2005 study at the University of Pennsylvania of multiple HurryDate speed dating events found that most people made their choices within the first three seconds of meeting. Furthermore, issues such as religion, previous marriages, and smoking habits were found to play much less of a role than expected. [ 8 ] [ 9 ]
A 2006 study in Edinburgh, Scotland showed that 45% of the women participants in a speed-dating event and 22% of the men had come to a decision within the first 30 seconds. It also found that dialogue concerning travel resulted in more matches than dialogue about films. [ 10 ]
In a 2012 study, researchers found that activation of specific brain regions while viewing images of opposite-sex speed dating participants was predictive of whether or not a participant would later pursue or reject the viewed participants at an actual speed dating event. Men and women made decisions in a similar manner which incorporated the physical attractiveness and likability of the viewed participants in their evaluation. [ 11 ]
Subconscious preferences [ edit ]
Malcolm Gladwell 's book on split-second decision making, Blink , introduces two professors at Columbia University who run speed-dating events. Drs. Sheena Iyengar and Raymond Fisman found, from having the participants fill out questionnaires, that what people said they wanted in an ideal mate did not match their subconscious preferences. [ 12 ] [ 13 ]
Olfaction and the MHC [ edit ]
A 1995 study at the University of Bern showed that women appear to be attracted to the smell of men who have different MHC profiles from their own, and that oral contraceptives reversed this effect. [ 14 ]
The MHC is a region of the human genome involved with immune function. Because parents with more diverse MHC profiles would be expected to produce offspring with stronger immune systems. dissimilar MHC may play a role in sexual selection.
A speed "date" lasting several minutes should be long enough for the MHC hypothesis to come into play, provided the participants are seated close enough together. [ citation needed ]
Olfaction and pheromones [ edit ]
The TV newsmagazine 20/20 once sent both a male and a female set of twins to a speed dating event. One of each set was wearing pheromones. and the ones wearing pheromones received more matches. [ 15 ]
Age and height preference [ edit ]
A 2006 study by Michele Belot and Marco Francesconi into the relative effects of preference versus opportunity in mate selection showed, while concluding that opportunity was more important than preference, that a woman's age is the single most important factor determining demand by men. [ 16 ] Although less important than it is to men, age is still a highly significant factor determining demand by women.
The same study found that a man's height had a significant impact upon his desirability, with a reduction in height causing a decrease in desirability at the rate of 5% per inch.
Selectivity [ edit ]
Studies of speed dating events generally show more selectivity among women than among men. For instance, the Penn study reported that the average man was chosen by 34% of the women and the average woman was chosen by 49% of the men. [ 8 ] New studies suggest that the selectivity is based on which gender is seated and which is rotating. This new study showed that when men were seated and the women rotated, the men were more selective. [ 17 ]
Spin-offs [ edit ]
The popularity or charm of speed dating has led to at least one offspring: Speed Networking. A structured way of running business networking events with the goal of making meeting potential business contacts easier and more productive. Some speed dating companies have now started offering free speed dating where you do not pay unless you meet somebody you like.
Business speed dating has also been used in China as a way for business people to meet each other and to decide if they have similar business objectives and synergies. [ citation needed ] Speed dating offers participating investors and companies an opportunity to have focused private meetings with targeted groups in a compact time frame.
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Dating a BPD: Respect, Boundaries, How-To Guide
by Rick on 08/06/2014 · 107 comments
You’ll never succeed in a BPD type of relationship if you never learn how to develop and establish a level of respect for yourself. Through my years of dating and training experience, having a lack of self-respect is the quickest formula for failed relationships.
And it’s not just dating a BPD - any type of relationship you involve yourself in will be more successful the more you’re able to show that you value and respect yourself.
The good news it that commanding respect is not that hard. I’ve figured out how to show the women I date that I do respect myself and you’re not going to walk all over me, control me, disrespect me, etc.
Here are the important factors that you need to know right now so you can begin to implement these in your current and future relationships:
#1: Avoid The Honeymoon Commitment
Almost every single relationship involves some sort of honeymoon period where you’re both in a whirl of emotional highs. You’re both extremely touchy, can’t stop smiling, you’re in the bedroom as much as possible.
I get it, I’ve been caught up in these whirlwind romances multiple times in the past.
Now I have nothing against getting together with someone you like and letting your bodies enjoy each other as much as possible. It only becomes a problem when your fantasies take over .
Do you know what I mean by this? You’re two weeks into dating and you’re already telling each other that you love him or her. Yet that’s just not possible because love is built over a long period of time.
So why do we do this? Why do we say that we’re in love when it’s not true? Because of fantasies in our head.
We all want to be loved and cared for. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it is really a lack of self-respect when we allow our feelings and emotions to carelessly flow free so early.
Next thing you know, you’re caught up in this “rollercoaster” and you simply have no idea how to slow it down. Well, if you didn’t let things get out of control so early on, you wouldn’t be experience the craziness. So take back your self-respect and don’t be so easily committed.
#2: Fantasies and Seeking Perfection
To go a long with what I am saying above, your ideal partner and ‘love’ that you seek is really just a fantasy that you’ve created in your mind over the years. We all have fantasies but it’s important to not try to make them reality.
A BPD will make you feel like you’ve found the perfect partner - if you self-respect.
BPD’s will take advantage of this weakness in you if you let them. But as I outlined in my article about dating a BPD girl. it’s not just a BPD that will gain control over you…
There are a lot of people that will manipulate you, lie to you, use you, control you and more. Self-respect isn’t just something you need to be a better partner… it’s what you need to survive and succeed in this world!
I can’t stress how important it is to calm your feelings and think outside your head for a minute. Take notice of what whirlwind romance and don’t let it suck you up. It’s not the BPD’s fault – this is just what happens.
Squash these feelings of loneliness, bored and love-seeking you have and you’ll begin to respect yourself a lot more. Don’t be so quick to jump into any kind of relationship because it fulfills some fantasy you’ve thought about all your life.
Shameless Plug: If you’re in need of help and want me to personally assist you, consider joining my Member’s Only Forum and I’ll answer all your questions and assist you the best I can.
#3: It’s NOT Your Job To Save/Rescue/Help Anyone But Yourself
I have noticed that a lot of the BPD relationship books on the market are full of techniques, therapy and all this other stuff that you can use with your partner to help bring positive change.
Unfortunately, as long as you’re someone that’s weak, passive, no back bone, no self-respect, nothing will ever help you succeed in dating a BPD. You’ll just continue to experience the issues that have driven you into despair.
The WORST thing you can possibly do is scour the web looking for advice to help your partner.
I’m sure that’s what brought you here to my website which I am very thankful for. I do hope you’ll listen to my advice here closely:
The only person you need to worry about is you. You only have control over you and your behavior.
Back when I was getting into my first relationships, I was desperate, needy and desperately wanting to help my BPD girlfriends. I felt like I could save them and pull them into the light.
I went about it all wrong just as most guys do. We try to save our BPD partners incorrectly which actually pushes them away even more. We become more unattractive in their eyes. They can’t help but run.
It’s a really big sign of no respect for yourself when you’re spending all of your time trying to make things right in the relationship instead of focusing on your own goals, dreams, desires and more.
Both men and women make these mistakes when dating a BPD. These skills can all be learned, however, which is why I am here for you .
#4: You Must Educate Yourself
By you stumbling across this article, you are already in the process of educating yourself about BPD. Doesn’t that feel great? I really believe my information is the easiest to digest because it’s all based off of real world experience.
It’s important that you understand that men and women with BPD come from different, usually darker upbringings that you and I.
And while that’s usually pretty obvious to most people, it still amazes me how easily it’s forgotten when push comes to shove.
But this doesn’t mean you go ahead and lower your disrespect tolerance. Don’t ever do that! You’re just setting yourself up for more failure down the road.
BPD’s are usually insecure about themselves, they worry a lot, they can get anxious and more. You already know this.
But did you know that all of these things can easily be suppressed when you’ve shown yourself to be someone that’s strong, demanding of respect and 100% not amused by the outbursts?
Yes, this is completely true! I really want you to read my dating a BPD girl article because it has a letter from a BPD woman describing how her husband is great and keeps the relationship calm and fun.
The more you read about BPD from credible sources such as myself, the more you’ll realize how important it is to first work on establishing your own self-respect, boundaries, tolerances and more.
#5: Find That Edge
Do you have an edge? Do you know what it means to have that edgy side to you that people simply respect and don’t want to mess with?
Bender in The Breakfast Club is an extreme example of what it means to be a jerk. If you haven’t seen this movie yet, then I highly recommend you watch it as soon as you can.
He has an obvious edge to him, does whatever he wants, pisses everyone off without a care in the world and can’t be contained.
You don’t want to be bender. But you don’t want to be the geeky pushover either. You really must find that edgy side to you that isn’t afraid to push people around that get up in your grill.
I had a client from my coaching program email me about how he would just ignore and be silent on the couch when his BPD girlfriend would yell at him. He thought he was doing the right thing because he was non reactive and she would calm down.
However, this is still the wrong way to handle these outbursts. I explained to him how it’s very important to show that you respect yourself, that you don’t like being yelled at, that you aren’t afraid to get up in her space and basically radiate your masculinity all over her.
You don’t run from battle, you don’t cower in the corner when you’re facing a fight. You stand your ground and battle back.
But there is a right way of fighting back and a wrong way. Most people do it the wrong way and become an asshole like bender. Or they do nothing and sit passively like the geek.
It’s important to understand that while a normal girl would dump a nice, passive guy before even getting close to hooking up, a BPD will go out with you, hook up with you, possibly even get in a relationship with you, but leave you the minute an edgy guy enters her life.
Conclusion
I will be the first person to admit that it’s incredibly hard to change yourself. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but did you know I used to be this insecure, codependent. small-minded, passive man?
It’s why I consistently ended up with BPD women. If I’m proof that change is possible, then I really believe that anybody can change. I’m really glad you’re here on my website because you’re hearing from a true success story.
The reason why I created the BPD Relationship Success Program is so you can have a guide laid out right in front of you. Everything I know is available for you in that guide. So check it out and buy it, it’s only $23.
Did you know that when you stop the habit of consistent improvement, you will fall back into your old self and bad habits? I call this the ghosts of the past coming back.
While BPD’s may have had a rough upbringing, I had the type of upbringing where I never learned how to look out for myself and develop that self-respect. I always had people taking care of me and telling me that I need to please others.
It sucks but it’s just what it is. It’s how I was raised. We all have our own unique story of how we were brought up but we don’t have to keep living that way.
When you eventually reach that level where you’re genuinely confident in yourself, you simply won’t allow yourself to be bothered by BPD behaviors and ‘craziness’.
They’ll actually stop affecting you, and you can truly poor out your love to your BPD partner who so badly needs it.
But in order to get to these levels of BPD success, you will need to first work on being a person that people in general respect.
If your family consistently treats you with a lack of respect, if your friends are consistently being dicks towards you, and if people in general just don’t show you respect, how can you even expect to have any type of healthy relationship with a significant other?
It’s simply not possible.
You need to ask yourself questions such as:
Do my close friends treat me with respect?
Does my family treat me with respect?
Do people in general treat me with respect?
If your answer is no to any of these questions or you’re simply not sure what respect is, then this is what you need to focus on going forward. I really want you to succeed!
What other ways do you know that can help you develop the self-respect that you need? Please share your comments below.
This is an awesome and educating website, a little too late for me though. After a year with a BPD girlfriend (I didn’t even know what that meant when I was with her and I am over 50) I finally called the cops on her after she physically assaulted me and tried to run me down with her car. I was more concerned about her craziness than what she did to me. She was arrested a few weeks later and sent to jail for a few days. She was tried and pleaded to a lesser offense. One of the conditions of her probation was “no contact” with me, which I think for the best. Some of the other conditions were no alcohol, no drugs, meds required (I don’t know what they are) and she could’nt go anywhere where booze was served. That would be a killer for and BPD person. I know she has already hooked up with other guys, but I still wish her the best. I get what it means to be a BPD (at least from a non perspective). I do agree that BPD women are very fascinating, intelligent, witty, charming, creative and interesting, but thinking back, I have attracted my fair share of woman like that (and the abuse that comes with it). This last one met all nine of the DSM-IV criteria for a BPD so it was a crazy ride to hell and back. I have decided I will take some time off from dating and work on myself. Spend more time with my children. But looking back over the last year, would I do it again? Hell yeah. That might sound masochistic (which I am not), but I really learned a lot about myself, relationships, and what makes women in general tick. No offense to women at all, but BPD women are like regular women on acid, adderall and steroids. BPD seems so much more prevalent today than in the past, probably has a lot to do with our post WW-2 disposable culture, workaholic work ethic, etc. I have children with two mildly borderline women and I would ask all dads out there, divorced or at home, to spend as much quality time with your kids as possible. Make them feel safe and secure and love them as much as you can. It’s so important and very rewarding. I also think it would help the next generation avoid the abandonment issues that the last 2-3 generations have experienced. Again, great website, your material is upfront and right on.
Thanks Chris!
It’s really interesting knowing that you’re 50+ and continues to prove my point that regardless of age, BPD has the same affects on people that don’t know what it exactly is. The key to dating these women is having YOUR OWN emotions in check. People with BPD feed off of emotions and when you react to their craziness, you are basically feeding their emotions. It’s unfortunate that your woman was crazy like that, but remember that you played into it, you fed it, etc. You are 50% of the relationship. It’s your job to have control over yourself. The fact that she got crazy like that means that you’re not meeting her emotional needs. You might not know what those are, but basically it means NOT feeding her at all, not giving into her BS, not allowing her to walk all over you, etc. The fact that she tried to run you over means that you stayed in the relationship WAY too long and now the kids are freaked out.
I agree with you on the children part. Give them all the support they need.
And now you know for the future – regardless of who you date, be the emotional rock. It doesn’t matter who I date these days, BPD or not – BPD doesn’t appear in my relationships because I am unaffected by it. That might be a hard concept to understand, but you’ll get it eventually
-Rick
Rick, Killer site but your reply to Chris (btw I am 57 and yea, Didn’t see this coming) I am an expert now. Anyway you state “BPD doesn’t appear in my relationships because I am unaffected by it.” In an intro piece I read, you wrote, you are in a RS with a BPD currently and ones from the past are trying to hook up, So if you don’t allow that why are their so many around. Yea, Jes sayin
Thank you for the very kind words. BPD isn’t that difficult to deal with once you establish the boundaries in the very beginning. They’ll either stick around or be gone for good. Nothing wrong with that
I have a lot of self-awareness after years battling depression, so I know what my flaws are, but still handled BPD very poorly.
I know how I fed his traits. It’s ying and yang. The more depressed I am or vulnerable, react to his attacks, cry or look weak, the more powerful angry and destructive he becomes.
I know I have his best self, his respect when I am happy and doing my own thing, but he can tell the difference between fake-happy, and real-happy…. so I don’t know how to mask the depression enough not to fed him or put a target on my head.
Obviously at the start of the relationship, one of the things I loved was his compassion towards my depression, as he had gone through that too… so the sudden sadism, was shocking.
Hey Rick, I wholeheartedly agree with what you said. A lot of us (both men and women) don’t know anything about BPD and we do play right into it. And it takes two to Tango. I downloaded your book and found it very insightful, not only for borderline relationships, but any relationship. Great job! I am also reading a book called “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, which has given me a lot of revelations about my own contribution to borderline relationships and why I am drawn to these women and what I do to make things worse. So many guys try to be “nice” and “perfect” and don’t understand why that doesn’t work in a relationship. It never will. It’s a perfect companion piece to your book. So I am shaking off the bad feelings and the financial mess of the last year, licking my wounds and assimilating the lessons learned, and enjoying the summer doing what I want to do. It might not be very exciting or thrilling (like this is the first time I have gone without sex since 1985), but I am happy to be getting to know myself again, spending quality time with my kids, and really appreciating the beautiful world around me (I am a part time professional photographer and see beauty in so many mundane things). One last thought, a few months into my relationship with my BPD ex, she told me that I should “run for my life”. I really didn’t quite get that at the time but since our breakup I have read similar stories from other people in my predicament. If our BPD partner may care enough about us (and/or has a lucid and rational moment), they may very well warn us to leave and never look back. It’s not that they are trying to dump you, I think they just don’t want to drag us into their mad world. So if you are lucky and get a warning like that from your partner, take it very seriously and decide what you want for yourself. It’s a way out if that’s what you want. They are respecting you enough to allow you the choice. It’s a one time offer though. After that, you have to live with your decision. Like Lestat said in “Interview with a Vampire”, “I’m going to give you the choice that I never had”.
Hey Chris thanks for the great comment.
If you haven’t done so yet, check out my post on Co-Dependency. This is the underlying problem to the failure of these relationships and 99% of guys out there have no idea what codependency is.
In fact, my next book is going to be completely about Codependency because it is absolutely a HUGE problem that people never know they have. Once I got my codependency issues solved, my life has really taken a major turn for the better. I’m not even attracted to BPD’s anymore lol, I simply don’t have the time to deal with their B. S. drama.
- Rick
Hi, I just wanted to say that I found your article very interesting and I am looking for advice, you obviously know what you are talking about. I am currently in the process of being diagnosed with bpd after suffering with the symptoms for as far back as I can remember. I have so many questions and feel like I should give up on the idea of sharing my life with anyone, children and marriage seem like completely alien and un achievable objectives, however I am torn between feeling like it is my right to have a loving relationship, and feeling as though it is unfair to put anyone through being close to me, I don’t want to hurt anyone but my distructive patterns continue and my love/hatred/obsession/disgust/depression/euphoria hit me and whoever has the misfortune to be close to me at the time) In huge tidal waves.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated I am very lost. Joining a nunnery on the other side of the world is not an option.
- when should I tell someone I am dating that I have issues with my emotions?
- how can I help them help keep themselves safe. so that I hae a chance of Somthing loving and meaningful rather than heartbreaking and distructive!?
Please help.
Yours in anticipation
Danielle
I think you can apply most of what I teach. It doesn’t matter if you’re a guy or a girl – at the end of the day, it’s all about making yourself better and commanding respect. Don’t let him lie to you, don’t let him hurt you. If he does, walk out or make him sleep on the couch!
Hi Cindy and Rick,
I’m also a female, with a BPD male. I can relate to Cindy, with the very strange behaviour. Mine also pays rent, bills, trips over backwards for me.
I wrote some more things here but felt they were too identifying, as my situation is very specific. I’ve left only things that could apply to many BPD men.
He’s not cheating (I would never tolerate that, and made that clear from day 1)
In fact he has been cheated on, so I felt sorry for him, and know he wouldn’t do that to someone else.
When he was in the first year of honeymoon phase, i thought he was perfect. I’m creative, passionate and intense, I don’t have BDP myself, but have depression.
So I have my own clingliness to an extent, and when I saw how emotional/sensitive, yet masculine, assertive he was, it seemed like the perfect combo!
How many kind, generous, strong guys out there are also just as clingy/affectionate as a woman.
He asked if it was ok, and i was blissfully happy with it. Sometimes I was secretly annoyed by someone that almost sits on top of you on the couch 24/7, but I’d rather an affectionate guy, than a cold one.
Then suddenly when the realtionship was going very well, we lived together things are all good…he starts the hot-cold cycle…going in the opposite direction…
This was frustrating as I was studying when we met, had many friends at that time, and he’d get so jealous when I’d speak to them on the phone.
After a year I lost many friends, he got bored.
So before all my socializing, was cause for jealousy, now he mocks my loneliness and lack of social life. Now he also went from an introvert to an extravert, suddenly having all these friends, now I have pretty much none! I feel needy, lonely and dependant.
How he twisted the situation….its baffling. But when he was the needy one, I was kind about it, introduced him to my friends, and did not yell at him about it.
So now I have very few friends…
I can love him, but still feel as soon as its possible I should let go, even though he’s my only friend right now, its a Jekyl and Hyde friend that will suddenly be nasty, so not worth it. Maybe it will force me to start again, sadly all my friends are now mutual friends with him too.
He’s also gone from over sharing, to super-secretive.
I feel BPD will put up and do more than an average person…but in return they give you back any emotional issues 10x..
I think the relationship can work if you have many friends, your own life, so as Rick says when they go cold, you are not alone like me. You need to be able to have people to go cold on them back.
He knows that he has someone to come back to because I’m stuck!
I am still being strong, but it takes him more time to feel lonely than I do, as he was many friends….
So seeing my friends are friends with him…*sigh* He’s more likable on the surface.
I know if I had my own circle of separate friends, I could play hard-ball right back at him, because I would no longer cater to his jealousy, or drop everything for him.
When he wants attention, he wants it then and there. if I could walk out I would, despite missing him, out of self-respect, but I don’t have a dime. (or anyone else)
I am aware this is very pathetic, but I don’t even know where to begin or who to talk to, as he was my best friend.
He also said typical borderline things, like how I’m “too nice” which was weird as I felt so sorry for him, about his exes cheating and being bitches. At first he seemed so relieved to have a soft-hearted person like me.
How do they hide their true natures for years.
Dating a BPD man seems to be a much more difficult process than dating a BPD woman. However, the reality is that this isn’t a genetic disorder – it all has to do somewhere in their upbringing, some traumatic experience, lack of real love, etc. I grew up in a loving but basically a religious, anti-sexual/anti-intimacy family and ended up having some major codependency issues. I’ve since fixed these issues. Codependency can be JUST as damaging as BPD behavior. Most of the non’s that get into relationships with BPD’s suffer from codependency. Just like BPD, codependency is a serious disorder and is NOT genetic — it’s due to upbringing. It’s usually caused by parents that put shame on being sexual and even intimate and being honest with your feelings. What ends up happening is that when you grow up, you become desperate for intimacy but you’re also trying to hide these intentions which means you’re not being honest to the person you like NOR yourself. Can anyone tell me of a relationship that worked out when you’re not honest? You become intensely needy and allow yourself to become a pushover just for a little bit of love and intimacy. This obviously creates a very toxic situation.
My family for as long as I can remember teased me about girls from a very young age all the way through high school. They NEVER offered support. I always felt like I was being shamed for liking girls even if this wasn’t there intention at all. Me and all of my brothers rarely ever talked about any girls we knew due to this teasing. I think this is a very common issue. What ended up happening in my case is that I thought it was taboo to like girls. Intimacy becomes this fantasy that I wanted more than anything. Such bullshit. I never told my parents when I was going out with girls, EVER. Because of this upbringing, I ended up becoming desperately obsessed with intimacy. So when I got a girlfriend, I wanted to do nothing but touch her all day. This is classic codependency and extremely unattractive. You end up spending all your time and effort trying to please your partner INSTEAD OF focusing on yourself and improving your life.
I really want to dedicate this site to codependency just as much as it’s about BPD. The reason being that it’s just as serious of an issue. Getting help for BPD means becoming knowledgeable about yourself as well as the disorder. It also means changing your mindsets and dropping this codependency issue you’ve had forever. BPD’s love the attention that codependency people force on them early on, but as with ALL relationships, neediness ultimately is unattractive and so BPD’s run
Hi Rick,
Thank you for your reply. My email did not notify me of a response.
Your reply is candid and I appreciate you opening up and sharing about your life; it’s inspired me to return the gesture in my comment here. You have said some very thoughtful things.
I have come back here after making some changes and progress, but yet again having difficulty with respect.
Progress:
I now have a wide circle of acquaintances that are not his mutual friends.
Seeing over the 5 + years of involvement with him, it is still incredibly hard to start from scratch as an adult and work on building new friendships.
They are still acquaintances as turning an acquaintance into a friend takes time and effort. But out of this large circle I see maybe three of those people with potential to be friends that I spend time with more often.
You are correct about BPD male being a different can of worms. Most BPD advice is about women with BPD, and there are some things that just don’t apply or are very different ball game.
There are also some core things that are the same.
As far as my unbringing. It was actually very similar to the BPD! and a little in common with you too.
I find it interesting if you look at the points below, you might see how similar, but slight variations that must have made all the difference.
It still boggles my ming how a slight change in scenarios we both shared resulted in him BPD more prone to rage, and me more prone to depression.
-I was sexually abused over a few years by a male family figure and/ he was raped in a single violent act by another man as a child.
-I was raised by a single mother with no father in picture,/ he had divorced parents and was raised between both.
-He was isolated and alone a lot as child./ I had many friends.
-We both left home at an early age. He did by choice (or so he says)/ I was under pressure to leave. I wasn’t prepared, I felt it hampered me as I didn’t learn many life skills./ He left it forced him to learn his own life skills.
-I had happiness at school with other young children,/ he did not.
-He had anger issues as young adult + daredevil./ I became nervous and the opposite of that. Risk adverse.
-He had parents that always wanted more out of him, nothing was ever good enough./ My mum put a lot of fear into my head and was always a homemaker.
-His parents didn’t have time for him as a kid. /My mum had generous time for me (she was also very sweet), then suddenly withdrew it.
-Besides a period abuse my childhood was happy, /his sounds lonely.
-I had support at some times./He didn’t. The person he trusted passed away.
So similar, but I’m sure you can see crucial differences.
As far as what you said about yourself, sex was not shamed, in fact we had liberal family in many ways. We were also not religious.
However I can relate to negative emotion denial. I’m not sure if this is the crucial difference between him and I.
When I was growing up my mother pulled away as soon as I displayed teenage depression. Sadness and anger were not allowed, and she would eerily smile instead of being sad. Everyone had to be happy and nice. Depression and anger were shamed.
I have improved myself in many ways. Some things have improved, but I still have major respect issues. I tell him I will not accept verbal abuse or swearing or certain rage behaviors but he does them anyway. I’m at a loss of how to enforce the respect as he doesn’t really care if I pull away or do certain things.
His black and white attitude says basically: “be happy/deal with it, or call the police”
There’s no middle ground/solution between love/acceptance and total freak out.
He has not broken any laws, has not cheated, and in his mind verbal abuse is not a crime so there is no punishment…
There should be a middle ground between totally kicking someone out and being a doormat!
I apologize if this was too long!
Hey thanks for kind words. Yes, you have got to establish everything very early on like when she does her very FIRST crazy spell, you have got to be like WOA GIRL WTF instead of sitting there like a pussy and taking her abuse. Good job man! It’s all a learning experience.
Hey Rick,
Your words are awesome. I also grabbed your book; good stuff. I split with my ex a little over a month ago. I actually don’t know if she has this disorder but i know she’s got something. She display many of these signs but not as extreme as what has been portrayed. She also displays many signs that don’t fit (taking blame, reaching out, etc). Anyways, i’m a strong person but i let shit slide for a long time thinking she would realize she’s being unreasonable. Finally after the breakup i’m not holding back. I let her know exactly what I’m not tolerating or subjecting myself to with her or anyone. She started calling/text again recently but that shortly ended after i discovered she had cheated. Surprisingly she came out with it all & how “messed up she is”, how much she regrets it, what can she do to fix things, how she’s going to change, etc. I simply told her maybe one day in the future she will have changed & things will be different but things wont be different any time soon. I reiterated what i’m not tolerating & how i am not going to be disrespected or treated badly a second longer. Communication from then on has been sporadic. She’s made attempts to contact me & so have I. Recently, i finally decided to drop all her belongings off at her house since she has STILL not come to get them. This made her lash out in a fit of upset tears followed the next day by an angry text. I simply let her know i did not give her things back b/c of anger but that it was time she have them. She called me “unhinged” which i followed up by a simple “yes, i’m unhinged”.
I know you know when i say this but i feel a very strong attraction towards her. I of course love her but i can definitely move on. While i have no idea if she has BPD or how extreme her illness is, I’ve heard many things about these people either never coming back or coming back to you again. Should i be expecting her to reach out to me one day in an attempt to come back? She’s still very young. If the circumstances were right, i would probably take it slow with her and be the strongest person in the world. But again, i’m not sitting around waiting for this to happen. I’m living my life for me under my terms, end of story.
