Dating violence warning signs

This course will help you:

> Understand teen dating violence and its consequences

> Identify factors that can place teens at risk for dating violence

> Communicate with teens about the importance of healthy relationships

> Learn about resources to prevent dating violence

By working with teens, families, organizations, and communities to implement effective teen dating violence prevention strategies, you can help make your school safer and healthier for all students.

What is teen dating violence?

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Being able to tell the difference between healthy, unhealthy and abusive relationships can be more difficult than you would think. No two relationships are the same, so what’s unhealthy in one relationships may be abusive in the next. Although there are many signs to pay attention to in a relationship, look for these common warning signs of dating abuse:

Checking cell phones, emails or social networks without permission

Extreme jealousy or insecurity

Constant belittling or put-downs

Explosive temper

Isolation from family and friends

Making false accusations

Erratic mood swings

Physically inflicting pain or hurt in any way

Possessiveness

Telling someone what to do

Repeatedly pressuring someone to have sex

If you or someone you know sees the warning signs in their relationship, talk to us -- we can help. Learn other ways how unhealthy and abusive relationships work by exploring our power and control wheel.

Teenagers often experience violence in dating relationships. Statistics show that one in three teenagers has experienced violence in a dating relationship. In dating violence, one partner tries to maintain power and control over the other through abuse. Dating violence crosses all racial, economic and social lines. Most victims are young women, who are also at greater risk for serious injury. Young women need a dating safety plan .

Teen dating violence often is hidden because teenagers typically:

are inexperienced with dating relationships.

are pressured by peers to act violently.

want independence from parents.

have "romantic" views of love.

Teen dating violence is influenced by how teenagers look at themselves and others.

Young men may believe:

they have the right to "control" their female partners in any way necessary.

"masculinity" is physical aggressiveness

they "possess" their partner.

they should demand intimacy.

they may lose respect if they are attentive and supportive toward their girlfriends.

Young women may believe:

they are responsible for solving problems in their relationships

their boyfriend's jealousy, possessiveness and even physical abuse, is "romantic."

abuse is "normal" because their friends are also being abused.

there is no one to ask for help.

Teenagers can choose better relationships when they learn to identify the early warning signs of an abusive relationship, understand that they have choices, and believe they are valuable people who deserve to be treated with respect.

Early warning signs that your date may eventually become abusive:

What Is Dating Violence?

What is Dating Violence?

Dating violence is a pattern of abusive behaviors used to exert power and control over a dating partner.

A Pattern of Behavior

Calling dating violence a pattern doesn't mean the first instance of abuse is not dating violence. It just recognizes that dating violence usually involves a series of abusive behaviors over a course of time.

Every relationships is different, but the one thing that is common to most abusive dating relationships is that the violence escalates over time and becomes more and more dangerous for the young victim.

Who Experiences Dating Violence?

Any teen or young adult can experience violence, abuse or unhealthy behaviors in their dating relationships. A relationship may be serious or casual, monogamous or not, short-term or long-term. Dating abuse does not discriminate – it does not see gender, sexual identity, economic status, ethnicity or religious preference.

What Does Dating Violence Look Like?

Teens and young adults experience the same types of abuse in relationships as adults. This can include:

Physical Abuse: Any intentional use of physical force with the intent to cause fear or injury, like hitting, shoving, biting, strangling, kicking or using a weapon.

Verbal or Emotional Abuse: Non-physical behaviors such as threats, insults, constant monitoring, humiliation, intimidation, isolation or stalking.

Sexual Abuse: Any action that impacts a person’s ability to control their sexual activity or the circumstances in which sexual activity occurs, including rape, coercion or restricting access to birth control.

Digital Abuse: Use of technologies and/or social media networking to intimidate, harass or threaten a current or ex-dating partner. This could include demanding passwords, checking cell phones, cyber bullying, sexting, excessive or threatening texts or stalking on Facebook or other social media.

If you or a loved one is in a violent relationship, please get help. Visit loveisrespect for more information, chat with a peer advocate online, call 866.331.9474 or text "loveis" to 22522.

Ten Warning Signs of Abuse

While there are many warning signs of abuse, here are ten common abusive behaviors:

Checking your cell phone or email without permission

Constantly putting you down

Extreme jealousy or insecurity

Explosive temper

Isolating you from family or friends

Making false accusations

Mood swings

Physically hurting you in any way

Possessiveness

Telling you what to do

If you or a loved one is in a violent relationship, please get help.

Recognizing violence warning signs in others

Often people who act violently have trouble controlling their feelings. They may have been hurt by others. Some think that making people fear them through violence or threats of violence will solve their problems or earn them respect. This isn't true. Some violence occurs as a response to prolonged hurt, trauma, bullying or victimization. People may use violence to get something, while others may act out of self-protection or desperation.

People who behave violently lose respect. They eventually find themselves isolated or disliked, and they still feel angry and frustrated.

Anger itself is not always a sign that violence is imminent. While anger may be a warning sign of violence, it must be put in context. In fact, by assuming that anger or increased substance abuse will always lead to violence means that many non-violent people who are in need of help become unfairly characterized as violent. What is most important to look at is if there are “new” signs and significant changes in behavior.

The presence of some of the signs or factors listed below should alert us to the possibility that an individual may be at risk of violence. It should be noted, however, that the presence of one or more signs or factors does not necessarily mean that the person will be violent.

Some signs of potential for violence may be historical or static (unchangeable) factors like:

A history of violent or aggressive behavior

Young age at first violent incident

Having been a victim of bullying

History of discipline problems or frequent conflicts with authority

Early childhood abuse or neglect

Having witnessed violence at home

Family or parent condones use of violence

A history of cruelty to animals

Having a major mental illness

Being callous or lacking empathy for others

History of vandalism or property damage

Other signs of potential violence may be present over time and may escalate or contribute to the risk of violence given a certain event or activity. These might include:

Serious drug or alcohol use

Gang membership or strong desire to be in a gang

Access to or fascination with weapons, especially guns

Trouble controlling feelings like anger

Withdrawal from friends and usual activities

Regularly feeling rejected or alone

Feeling constantly disrespected

Some signs of potential violence may be new or active signs. They might look like:

Increased loss of temper

Frequent physical fighting

Increased use of alcohol or drugs

Increased risk-taking behavior

Declining school performance

Acute episode of major mental illness

Planning how to commit acts of violence

Announcing threats or plans for hurting others

Obtaining or carrying a weapon

There is research that indicates that new or active signs are more predictive of short-term risk of violence than historical factors, which may be more predictive of longer term risk.

What you can do if someone you know shows violence warning signs

When you recognize violence warning signs in someone else, there are things you can do. Hoping that someone else will deal with the situation is the easy way out.

Above all, be safe. Don't spend time alone with people who show warning signs. If possible without putting yourself in danger, remove the person from the situation that's setting them off.

Tell someone you trust and respect about your concerns and ask for help. This could be a family member, guidance counselor, teacher, school psychologist, coach, clergy, school resource officer or friend.

If you are worried about being a victim of violence, get someone in authority to protect you. Do not resort to violence or use a weapon to protect yourself.

The key to really preventing violent behavior is asking an experienced professional for help. The most important thing to remember is to not go it alone and to take any signs or threats seriously.

Dealing with anger

It's normal to feel angry or frustrated when you've been let down or betrayed. But anger and frustration don't justify violent action. Anger is a strong emotion that can be difficult to keep in check, but the right response is to always stay cool.

Here are some ways to deal with anger without resorting to violence:

Learn to talk about your feelings — if you're afraid to talk or if you can't find the right words to describe what you're going through, find a trusted friend or adult to help you one-on-one.

Express yourself calmly — express criticism, disappointment, anger or displeasure without losing your temper or fighting. Ask yourself if your response is safe and reasonable.

Listen to others — listen carefully and respond without getting upset when someone gives you negative feedback. Ask yourself if you can really see the other person's point of view.

Negotiate — work out your problems with someone else by looking at alternative solutions and compromises.

Take a self time-out and calm yourself down before you respond to the situation or person who is triggering your anger.

Anger is part of life, but you can free yourself from the cycle of violence by learning to talk about your feelings. Be strong. Be safe. Be cool.

Are you at risk for violent behavior?

If you recognize any of these signs for violent behavior in yourself, talk with someone who can help, a friend, but especially an adult you trust.

You don't have to live with the guilt, sadness and frustration that comes from hurting others.

Admitting you have a concern about hurting others is the first step. The second is to talk to a trusted adult such as a school counselor or psychologist, teacher, family member, friend or clergy. They can get you in touch with a licensed mental health professional who cares and can help.

Controlling your own risk for violent behavior

Everyone feels anger in his or her own way. Start managing it by recognizing how anger feels to you.

When you are angry, you probably feel:

Muscle tension

Accelerated heartbeat

A "knot" or "butterflies" in your stomach

Changes in your breathing

Trembling

Goose bumps

Flushed in the face

You can reduce the rush of adrenaline that's responsible for your heart beating faster, your voice sounding louder and your fists clenching if you:

Take a few slow, deep breaths and concentrate on your breathing.

Imagine yourself at the beach, by a lake, or anywhere that makes you feel calm and peaceful.

Try other thoughts or actions that have helped you relax in the past.

Keep telling yourself:

"Calm down."

"I don't need to prove myself."

"I'm not going to let him/her get to me."

Stop. Consider the consequences. Think before you act. Try to find positive or neutral explanations for what that person did that provoked you. Don't argue in front of other people. Make your goal to defeat the problem, not the other person. Learn to recognize what sets you off and how anger feels to you. Learn to think through the benefits of controlling your anger and the consequences of losing control. Most of all, stay cool and think. Only you have the power to control your own violent behavior. Don't let anger control you.

Violence against self

Some people who have trouble dealing with their feelings don't react by lashing out at others. Instead, they direct violence toward themselves. The most final and devastating expression of this kind of violence is suicide. Like people who are violent toward others, potential suicide victims often behave in recognizable ways before they try to end their lives. Suicide, like other forms of violence, is preventable. The two most important steps in prevention are recognizing warning signs and getting help. Warning signs of potential self-violence may include:

Previous suicide attempts

Significant alcohol or drug use

Threatening or communicating thoughts of suicide, death, dying or the afterlife

Sudden increase in moodiness, withdrawal or isolation

Major change in eating or sleeping habits

Feelings of hopelessness, guilt or worthlessness

Poor control over behavior

Impulsive, aggressive behavior

Drop in quality of school performance or interest

Lack of interest in usual activity

Getting into trouble with authority figures

Perfectionism

Giving away important possessions

Hinting at not being around in the future or saying good-bye

Feeling like a burden to others

These warning signs are especially noteworthy in the context of:

A recent death or suicide of a friend or family member

A recent break-up with a boyfriend or girlfriend or conflict with parents

News reports of other suicides by young people in the same school or community

Often, suicidal thinking comes from a wish to end deep psychological pain. But keep in mind that pain often diminishes and feelings change. There are almost always options to something as final as suicide. Sometimes we just need some help to see them.

If a friend mentions suicide, take it seriously. Listen carefully and then seek help immediately. Never keep their talk of suicide a secret, even if they ask you to. Remember, you risk losing that person forever.

When you recognize the warning signs for suicidal behavior, do something about it. Tell a trusted adult what you have seen or heard. Get help from a licensed mental health professional as soon as possible. They can help work out the problems that seem so unsolvable but, in fact, are not.

Take a stand against violence.

About this guide

The original Warning Signs of Youth Violence guide was co-produced by the APA and MTV in 1999 to help young people recognize when a classmate or friend might be a potential danger to themselves or others. The project was launched with the airing of a 30-minute MTV special, called "Warning Signs" on April 22, 1999. "Warning Signs" was the first major piece of programming in "Fight for Your Rights: Take a Stand Against Violence," MTV's 1999 pro-social campaign. Over the past decade, APA’s grassroots network of psychologist worked in communities to provide information on the warning signs of youth violence by organizing video viewing and discussion programs and giving media interviews and presentations.

In January 2013, the Warni ng Signs of Youth Violence guide was updated with assistance from the following psychologists: