Dating during divorce

Dating With Kids: 5 Ground Rules For Introducing Your New Partner To Your Kids

This article first appeared on GalTime. com

You thought dating was hard the first time? Here you are, single again, but this time with children. You finally meet someone you really, really like and want to introduce him to your kids. How do you go about it? What if your youngsters don’t like him? What if he doesn’t like them? What if it doesn’t work out?

Before you even think about introducing your children to your new boyfriend, you need to have been dating for at least six months. No, I’m not crazy. Didn’t your last relationship end in divorce? You don’t want that to happen again and you certainly don’t want your children to go through that again. It takes at least six months to begin to really know a person. You don’t want to introduce someone and one month later have to explain to your children why they don’t see "Mike" anymore.

I would also advise that you let your ex-husband know you are introducing someone to your children. It's the respectful thing to do if you have a good relationship with him. Take your time. It’s not a race to the altar again. It’s not just your life; it’s your kid’s lives too. Here are a few ground rules for introducing a new love to your children.

1. No Expectations . This is a casual event. You can’t force anyone to like anyone. Telling your children they have to be nice or like someone is a sure fire way to ruin the meeting. Let everyone meet and form their own opinions.

2. Group Setting . Have the first five meetings in a group setting. For instance, a backyard BBQ with friends and your new man. You should introduce him as a friend and give your children the chance to get to know your guy in a fun, relaxed, no pressure atmosphere. A group setting allows children to feel non-threatened. It's best not to show affection during these first five meetings. He’s just a friend right now.

3. Go Slowly . Remember, you might be in love, but your children need time to get used to a new situation. Follow their cues. If you sense they are having issues, talk to them. Slow down if you have to. Trust me, going slow now will ensure you have success later.

4. One Mom, One Dad . Reassure your children that they only have one mom and one dad. No one will replace either of you. I told my children this a few months after I introduced my then boyfriend to them. My son actually liked my boyfriend so much he wanted to call him dad. I had to take him aside and say, “I am so glad you like him! But you only have one mom and one dad.” He was only five years old, so I kept it age appropriate.

5. Rules for the New Family . As you begin to settle in together as a new group, it’s important for you to discuss how it plays out with your new partner. Have a long talk about expectations, discipline, money, education and anything else you might deal with. It’s a big deal merging families. You want your children to be happy in this new environment.

Dating after divorce can be tricky, but if you take your time and navigate the right way, it can be a win-win for everyone. Here’s my story.

I dated my boyfriend (now my husband) for six months before I introduced him to my children. I had to be sure he would be in my life in for a long time. I decided to slowly introduce him as a friend. I had a pool party with about four adult guests, him being one of them. I just introduced him as a friend. We did about five more group outings before he came to do things with just me and my two children. We slowly began doing fun kids things with just the four of us. We waited another four months before we showed any affection (hand holding, kissing) in front of them. After that, we slowly started holding hands and told the kids he was my boyfriend. Three years and six months later -- we are one super happy family and all because we took it slowly. I love my children too much to rush into anything with anyone.

Make sure you are in love and take your time; if he’s a great guy and you move slowly, your children will see how great he is too!

Do you have a different story? What worked or didn't work for you?

Instructions

Think about which parent your children will live with. It usually makes the most sense for the children to remain in the home.

Consider the mortgage payments. Will you and your ex-spouse be able to afford them after the divorce? The two of you are going to have the same total income you had before the divorce, but you will have to pay for a second residence.

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I've Started Dating Again, Are There Any Rules I Need To Know?

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Question: I've Started Dating Again, Are There Any Rules I Need To Know?

Answer:

There are no hard, fast rules when it comes to what you should do to get back into the swing of dating after divorce. If you have lain to rest all the emotional baggage and feel truly ready to date you will probably do fine. If you have doubts, the following tips will help you navigate the dating scene more easily.

Be Prudent.

It pays to be wise and judicious when re – entering the dating game. Now that you are newly single, try to bring balance to your life. You may be eager to date but don’t forget to make time for yourself as well as spend time with friends and family. Date if you feel ready but, don’t make it your whole life.

Cultivate relationships with other single people.

If you don’t already have single friend, then find some. Your single friends will be a great resource because hey are in similar place and it always helps to have company when dealing with a new life situation.

One date does not form a relationship.

It’s important to know that everyone you date will not be interested in a second date. Just because you were interested in a second date doesn’t mean they have to be. Don’t let the fact that you don’t get called to go out again deter you or cause you to think negatively about yourself. Move on to the next person and be willing to go through the process of elimination. Don’t take dating or yourself too seriously.

Don’t come on too strong.

If you were in a long term marriage then you are used to being part of a couple. Divorce means changing habits and take on the role of a single individual. Don’t let the couple habit cause you to come on too strong and chase someone special away. You are dating, not stalking so be careful not to overwhelm.

Don’t forget to respect yourself.

Go slowly when it comes to sharing information about yourself with a date. It will convey a sense of self – respect and create mystery. So, keep the details to a minimum until you know they are worthy of hearing them.

The world is your test tube.

Approach the dating game with an attitude of openness and experimentation. You might now find Mr./Ms. Right on every date you go on but, keep an open mind and you will at least learn something new.

Try something new.

Don’t box yourself in with the idea that you have a “type” that you are attracted to. Change those old thought process, step outside your head and broaden your horizons. You may find that what you thought would make you gag, actually makes you happy.

Never underestimate the power of flirting.

Nothing is more fun than flirting and nothing helps you connect to another person quicker than being playful. Be charming and delightful, show some vitality. Keep it light and festive, not deep and serious. Keep your mind in the moment and not on the long term goal of falling in love.

How To Get Back Into the Dating Scene

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Leave the details of your divorce at home.

Nothing is more unattractive than prattling on and on about the problems in your past relationship. The subject is bound to come up and when it does keep it brief and focus your attention on your date and having a good time in that moment. You can be open and honest with your date without spilling your guts.

Be yourself.

Relax and let the real you shine. Dating is about getting to know the other person. Finding out if that person has traits we like and whether or not we care for a second date. Keep in mind that your date is probably anxious also and wanting to make a good impression. Be yourself and encourage your date to do the same. Smiling and enjoying the moment is contagious and before you know it, you both will be at ease with the situation.

It’s a date, not a therapy session.

If you’ve been through a divorce, especially after a long term marriage then you have probably been to therapy. Maybe you learned in therapy that your insecurities in relationships stems from the fact that you learned to avoid conflict as a child and that your mother is a narcissist. This might all be interesting to you but be assured; your date will only think you nuts if you share too much information. Keep it between yourself and your therapist.

Show some interest.

Pay attention to your date, get to know the person you are having dinner with. Ask questions and listening with genuine interest. Nothing is more flattering to another individual than knowing what they have to say matters. The more questions you ask, the more knowledge you will gain which will help in determining whether or not there will be a second date.

Don’t get too serious.

Date for the sake of dating. Give yourself the opportunity to meet new people and have some fun before looking for your next serious relationship. It will keep you from jumping out of the frying pan into the fire!

Ending the date.

How the date ends is up to you. Whether to kiss at the end of the date or ask your date to sleep over is totally your call. Do what feels right for you and your date. At the end of the date if all you want is to flag down a taxi and head for home then you are free to make that choice. However it ends, remember to be courteous at the end of the night. We are all human and deserve respect no matter how the date goes.

Tips:

The key to successful post divorce dating is to have fun with it. You have to let go of the past and give yourself permission to be happy with life as it is and yourself. You are an attractive, worthy individual who deserves the attention and fun. Get out and enjoy yourself!