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Affair Survival: Tips For Dating a Married Man
Perhaps the best advice you can give someone about having a relationship with a married man is telling her not to even start. However, that may not be practical for all women. As my friend Jenna* told me, "You can't help who you fall in love with. The love of your life just might be a married man."
Being part of any couple can be challenging and unpredictable, as we all know. But when the man with whom you're involved is part of another couple, someone else's husband, then the challenge and unpredictability can make your life a messy, unhappy waiting game that you will rarely win.
The woman who is in love with a married man lives a life that, for the most part, is shrouded in secrecy. Her close circle of friends might know about her affair, but she really cannot let anyone else, such as colleagues or her family, know. She is alone most of the time and spends it waiting: waiting for her married lover to call, to come meet her, to share some precious time together. She is not his wife, she is not mother to his children, she is not his parents' daughter-in-law. Her chance for happiness hinges on a future that is highly uncertain, to say the least.
Your own survival is crucial, and if you do happen to fall in love with a married man, there are several hard truths you need to know.
1. The needs of the many (namely, his family) will always outweigh your needs.
His family will always come first, and that includes his wife. Simply because he talks in a negative way about his marriage doesn't mean that his obligations to his wife are any less important to him. Whether or not they have children is a moot point; he will always feel as if he has to be a husband to her and take care of the marriage, whether he truly loves her or not. Their life together includes friendships and a social network that is shared and comfortable for him. He won't risk losing that.
2. His life with you is secret and always will be.
No matter how much you may want to walk in the sunshine with him and have him openly acknowledge his love for you, it won't happen. While he is more than willing to be your lover and to bring you gifts, he is not about to have you meet his friends and risk having his family find out about you.
3. No matter how nice a guy he is, you are a temporary diversion for him.
This is not an easy statement to comprehend. It's emotionally painful. Unfortunately it is true. The beginning of an affair is romantic and naughty at the same time. Planning to be together becomes a fascinating game and is thrilling to say the least. Stealing hours from work or home to have sex is exciting, and you may mistake his libido-driven passion for undying love. Don't. The game soon becomes a chore for him, and romantic interludes are just one more thing he "has to do."
4. He will not leave his wife.
Less than 5 percent of men leave their wives for the woman with whom they are having an affair. Whether it is because of all the legal and financial problems attached to divorce, religious beliefs or the fact that they have become comfortable with their marriage the way it is -- or even because they still have a certain affection for their wives, men rarely end up with the other woman. Even Katharine Hepburn knew, and accepted, this fact during her long affair with Spencer Tracy. And don't ever kid yourself on this important point: He is still having sex with his wife, no matter what you may want to believe.
5. Legally, financially and emotionally, you have no claim.
You may realize that you have no claim legally or financially, but you would think there'd be an emotional attachment or bond between you and your lover. In fact there usually isn't after the affair is over. Here's why. Even though he has a deep feeling of love for you, he is able to process it in an unemotional way. He's not a bad guy, he may be a wonderfully kind person, but he is also a practical one. He knows that holding on to emotions that can only cause problems for his family is something he cannot and will not do. When it's over, he will move on.
To safeguard yourself from too much emotional pain, you need to understand that he can only be a small part of your life and will never be more than that no matter how many promises are made. You need to have a life that works and that is full enough to withstand the pain of the eventual breakup. He has one and you need one, too.
A solid circle of friends and a social life separate from your hidden life with him is a necessity. Let your friends know that you still want to go out with them regularly. Don't always be so ready to cancel plans you have made with others to accommodate him. Casual dating with male friends helps, too. It allows you to see yourself through the eyes of another man who finds you interesting and attractive. It is up to you where it might lead. It helps to remember that the man with whom you are intimately involved in "your other life" is not living as a monk with his wife.
Being involved in an affair with someone else's husband is an almost surefire trip from ecstatic highs at the beginning to a depressing abyss at the end. Understand the basics of exactly what you are getting into, and what your status is.
You need to step back and identify the priorities -- your priorities -- in a relationship with a married man. Think with your head and not with your heart. Ensuring you have a life distinct from his that is your safe haven can make being the other woman, if not a secure, permanent position, at least one that is a bit more tolerable.
*name changed
© 2012 copyright Kristen Houghton
Kristen Houghton is the author of the hilarious new book, No Woman Diets Alone - There's Always a Man Behind Her Eating a Doughnut in the top 10 hot new releases at Amazon available now on Kindle, Nook, and all e-book venues.
Online Dating: A Woman's Guide For Men Seeking Love Online
I am a single woman, in my early 60s, divorced for over a decade. I have met dozens of interesting smart, caring, kind, men online who have wanted monogamous relationships. I read A. Chernofsky’s, “Six Tips on What NOT to write on Match. com ,” for women, and it gave me a chuckle and rang remarkably true. But I have some tips of my own -- for you men out there. When you get that first date, here are ten deal breakers, at least for me:
1) Do not say: “I’m in a very Dark Place Sexually” or “I can never have Vanilla sex again.” I may have READ 50 Shades of Gray, but it doesn’t mean I want to live it, and you are no Christian Gray! If I am imagining whips and urine, there will be no second date.
2) Keep it upbeat. Do not go into intimate details about the months of suffering before your wife passed away. Do not go on about how you hate your father, how your kid is a drug addict or how your bipolar brother ruined your life. I am excited about the potential of this next phase of my life, and I don’t want to hear that the best is behind you. These details can wait until the third date (assuming there are no other deal breakers).
3) Do not ask over dinner, “should I take my Viagra now?”
4) Don’t be a Wower. If you like the way I look, think poetic, not monosyllabic. Do not repeat, “Wow…” with a big exhale. I may think you are mentally challenged no matter how many degrees from Harvard you have.
5) Do not look at me adoringly and express your desire to “go under the table” at dinner -- unless you need to retrieve your napkin.
6) I don’t want to hear ad nauseum about your knowledge of fine wine, luxury cars, or degree from Yale. It’s boring and it makes me think you are insecure.
7) Do not stick your tongue down my throat on the first kiss. If a kiss seems appropriate on the first date, it needs to be soft and gentle. Keep the tongue action for later.
8) Don’t say your dream is to get a Winnebego and go across the country with me.
9) If you have Groupons, Living Social or other coupons to some obscure restaurant or bar, save them for later in the relationship, or use them with your buddies. Don’t whip that coupon out on the first date.
10) If you have a bush growing out of your ear or nose, use the weed whacker before you take me to the theater. I may want to whisper in your ear during the show.
Kay Newton is currently off line. One special guy has survived not only the first date, but the first month of dating, and Kay is still smiling.
Read more from Better After 50:
Married Secrets -- Married Affairs That Recapture The Feeling
Married Dating User Testimonials that we have received:
- "I had met a guy I am still in touch with who changed my life. He brought out feelings I did not know I had. Thanks for the site." (female member).
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Please see our "About Us" page for many more real testimonials that we have received! We are getting new testimonials all the time.
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Married Secrets Has It All
If you're married, but looking, Married secrets can help you find discreet married affairs that you take as far as you want, whether just a little flirting, a passionate encounter, romantic married affairs, married dating or affectionate companionship. Join us today! You can start searching for the perfect match immediately. There's no need to hide your marital status at Married Secrets. Here, you will enjoy meeting up with other married couples and individuals just like you for married affairs and more.
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