пятница, 23 января 2015 г.

Dating vs relationship

Casual sexual relationship



A casual sexual relationship . casual relationship . or casual dating . is a physical and emotional relationship between two people who may have casual sex or a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting the extra commitments of a more formal romantic relationship. Motives for casual relationships vary. [ 1 ] There are significant gender and cultural differences in acceptance of and breadth of casual relationships, [ 2 ] [ 3 ] [ 4 ] [ 5 ] as well as in regrets about action/inaction in those relationships. [ 6 ]



A casual relationship may be part-time, or for a limited time. It may or may not entail partner-exclusivity. In each case, the relationship's dominance in the lives of those involved is being voluntarily limited, and there is usually a sense that the relationship is intended to endure only so long as both parties wish it to. Casual relationships sometimes include mutual support, affection and enjoyment, which underpin other forms of loving relationship. [ citation needed ]



People in a casual sexual relationship are sometimes referred to as "friends with benefits", but the terms may differ in that the latter term carries less of the implication of relations beyond sexual activity. A one-night stand is also different, as a casual sexual relationship extends beyond a single sexual encounter. Nonetheless, these concepts are similar to a casual sexual relationship in that the sex is generally focused on fulfilling sexual desires rather than romantic/emotional needs. [ citation needed ]



Extreme Jealousy



Unreasonable or unfounded jealousy is a clear danger sign. Many abusers are afraid of losing their victim. Abusers justify their jealousy by saying they love someone so much that they don't want to lose them. A dominant personality simply makes their opinions known without condescending behavior.



Isolation



In a dominant relationship, your partner will be concerned with the people that you associate with but will not prohibit it. An abusive mate will criticize your friends and family and try to sever any connection you have with them. The goal is to keep you within his grasp, making you even more dependent.



Demeaning Behavior



Abusers will often put their partner down and tell them they are nothing and that no one else wants them. Dominators will try to make you feel at ease with the person that you are and help you to be more confident.



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Significance



Healthy relationships are vital to a long and healthy life. A 2009 "New York Times" articles states that people with close friends suffer from fewer colds than people without genuine friendships. They may also live longer lives. In a 10-year study in Australia, researchers discovered that elderly people with a greater number of friends increased their chances of survival by 22 percent, compared with people with a limited number friends, according to the article.



Unhealthy Relationships



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Romantic Relationships



Romantic partnerships are difficult to navigate, especially since the rush of infatuation can mask signs of an unhealthy relationship. In addition to the more noticeable violence and jealousy, subtle words and acts also reveal unhealthy partnerships. For instance, the TeensHealth website mentions pushing a partner to stop pursuing an activity that the partner enjoys in its list of unhealthy relationship warning signs.



A healthy romantic partnership relies on mutual support. Partners should be open with each other about their sexual pasts and not pressure each other, according to Columbia University health professionals.



Marriage



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Dating vs. Hanging Out



Something scares you. It's not terrorism, economic recession, global warming, or gasoline prices that could hit 10 bucks per gallon by the time you're done reading this. These things might worry you, but something else makes your palms sweat and your pulse hit triple digits: asking someone out on a date.



That's because asking someone out involves potential pain. If the object of your affection becomes aware of your intentions, he or she might not reciprocate, and that's going to hurt. I don't care if you're the most self-confident, well-adjusted person around; rejection hurts. It makes the remaining friendship awkward at best, humiliating at worst. Revealing romantic feelings is a risky business.



Many people find a way around the risk. Or at least they think they do. Instead of asking someone out on a date and being bold in their intentions, they turn to the soggy milquetoast alternative to dating: "hanging out."



Here's how it works: You like someone but you're afraid to let him or her know. So instead of asking the person on a date, you go on approximations of dates that allow for plausible deniability of all romantic intentions. You study together. You exercise together. You find lame excuses to call, text, and e-mail. Worst of all, you engage in the most banal and abysmal of non-dates-going to coffee. It has the trappings of a date-a cozy ambiance, comforting beverages, atmospheric music-while allowing everyone involved to disavow the actual occurrence of a date. Fear of rejection alone has resulted in the proliferation of Starbucks like a French-roasted virus.



People suffer through this in the hope that the object of their affection will eventually buckle and reveal his or her true feelings. They wait and watch. They keep making up excuses to hang out, hedging all their bets and waiting for God to give them a sign. If you've been down this road before, you know that it's seldom successful. You remain stuck in the "friend zone," which is relationship purgatory if you have a crush on someone.



Are We Dating or Not?



While I was doing research for What Women Wish You Knew about Dating . the biggest complaint I heard from Christian women was that Christian men weren't assertive enough. They described men who drove them crazy by calling and hanging around while never asking them out on a real date. They said that it was exhausting trying to figure out which guys liked them versus which guys liked them. So let's cover a few differences between dating and hanging out, in hopes of making life easier for these ladies.



Asking someone if they'll be at church next week is hanging out. Asking someone if they would like to go out with you is dating.



Making up a reason to call, e-mail, or text someone is hanging out. Calling just because you want to talk, and telling the person so, is dating.



Going to coffee is hanging out. Going to dinner is dating.



Doing something with the object of your affection and seven other friends is hanging out. If the two of you do something alone, it's dating.



Hiding your feelings is hanging out. Telling someone you're interested in pursuing a more serious relationship is dating.



The Purpose of Hanging Out



Go ahead and hang out with someone if you're just getting to know him or her. By all means, don't ask a person out just because you think he or she is cute but know nothing else about them. You might have nothing in common with the person. The music she loves might make you nauseous. He might be a serial killer. OK, he's probably not a serial killer, but you get my point. It's important to hang out before asking out. The problem is that many people never make the leap. They hang out perpetually, creating confusion and tension that could easily be dissipated by asking someone on a date.



I often get the questions, "How do you know when it's time for a friendship to go further?" or "When should two people stop hanging out and start dating?" Figuring that out is the easy part. If you find the person attractive, you can't stop thinking about him or her, and you're unsatisfied with the intimacy that friendship provides, then it's time to ask out instead of hang out. The problem usually isn't that people don't know whether or not they want to date, it's that they're afraid the other person doesn't feel the same way.



Rising Above Rejection



This kind of fearful hemming and hawing isn't how Christians should do things. This isn't who God created us to be. I'm not saying that in deference to antiquated courtship rituals. I mean we shouldn't be so scared. We shouldn't be afraid to date. Overcoming this fear involves two steps:



Get a life



Something needs to be more important to you than finding a boyfriend or girlfriend. You need a passion, something that excites you and gives your life meaning and purpose. It should be something thrilling and at least a little daunting. Not only will this give your life focus and keep you busy, it can build self-esteem. As you begin to move toward your goals, you'll feel better about yourself. Have you ever noticed that a lot of people find love when they're not looking very hard for it? It's usually because they're in the middle of a meaningful journey. And that just happens to make them more attractive. This part should be easy for Christians. We have something, or rather Someone, who's eager to give our life a sense of mission, meaning, and value.



Be authentic



At some point, someone decided it wasn't cool to let someone know that you're interested in him or her. I guess people think it makes you seem desperate. That can be the case sometimes, but it's not true if you've taken care of Step 1 above. Being honest and bold about your feelings doesn't come off as cheesy if you have self-confidence. It signifies courage and self-esteem. It shows that getting rejected won't devastate you because you know and like who you are. The alternative to this is "hanging out" with someone and hoping to catch a lucky break. That takes a lot more time and trouble to get what usually turns out to be the same result.



First John 4:18 says that "perfect love drives out fear." While it's normal to be nervous when you ask someone out, God's perfect love should cast out all fear that you're unlovable, unworthy, and destined to be alone. You're exploring the possibility of a relationship with one person. If it doesn't work out, God's love will take care of you far more than the love of any human on earth.



More articles on dating:



Beloved Heart Musings and Journal



STAGES in Christian Dating/Courtship Relationship



There is a progression that should take place in building a Christian dating relationship. The following is offered as a short Christian dating guide for Christian singles to consider as they build a Christian dating relationship.



(Note: As soon as I say Christian dating guide, every single Christian reading this will think they are an exception and the timing noted does not apply to them. Yes – it does! One of the strangest phenomenons that I have observed is that singles dating behavior is more common than most of us think. I encourage you to not look for the “exception” but where you can build the type of Christian dating relationship that will serve you and your partner well for years to come.)



FANTASY STAGE: 1 – 6 months



1. There is an attraction to each other and Christian singles immediately (or soon thereafter) think they have found their soul mate. Candidly, there is really little more in the Christian dating relationship during this stage than “physical attraction”.



2. There is a temptation for Christian singles to begin saying, “I love you” during this fantasy stage. What the expression really is saying is – “I am in love with the idea of being in love” AND “I really think you are the answer for ME”! It is mostly self-serving.



3. The emphasis should be upon enjoying each other’s company and building a FRIENDSHIP and refraining from going any further.



4. After 2 to 3 months of this type of dating and it is mutually agreed, the Christian dating relationship can move into an exclusive dating arrangement. This should be mutually agreed to and clearly understood by both Christian singles.



5. It is very important that each person have their own accountability group of their own gender. The progress of the Christian dating relationship should be shared so that their objectivity and accountability can be a valuable resource to the couple.



AFFIRMING STAGE: 6 – 12 months



1. Once a couple is satisfied that there is something to take to the next level, the couple should develop a plan in how they can best get to know each other in “real settings” not just in Christian dating situations. This plan will include such things as spending time around family and close friends to enable each other to see how the other person builds and sustains all relationships.



2. I do not suggest that the couple spend all their time together at this stage. It is a temptation to do so, but I suggest that it is actually unhealthy for the Christian dating relationship. Our emotions need to “grow” into this type of deep Christian dating relationship. Pushing the pace causes areas of each other’s character to not be observed. For example: Can the couple enjoy their alone time as well as their together time? If not, what is the “force” at play that is “pushing”? This often means that a healthy bonding is not taking place and the emphasis is upon self-satisfaction in this Christian dating relationship.



3. It is very important to look for CHARACTER issues in each other during this stage of Christian dating. Give yourself enough time and enough settings where character issues can surface. Why is this important? Individuals can “mask” character issues for an extended period of time – especially a few months during the fantasy period of Christian dating. But character is the foundation upon which commitment is built. Character does not change just because one gets married. You need to know “what they are really like” before you move into a marital relationship.



PRE-ENGAGEMENT STAGE: 1 to 2 years



1. The couple has spent a good deal of time building their Christian dating relationship. They mutually agree that this relationship has the great potential of moving into marriage. It is important that there be a “pre” engagement period of time. There is no set time frame for a pre-engagement period. It is more important that the process be completed than the time completed.



2. Marital inventories and temperament sorting should be taken at this stage. These are a wonderful means of finding out which areas you are really in “sync” and where you are apart. It serves as a basis for building the Christian dating relationship into as healthy a one as possible BEFORE marriage. (I highly recommend the inventories developed by Dr. David Olson that can be found at Life Innovations. There are many counselors who can provide Christian singles with insights into the results found in these inventories. The Myers-Briggs temperament sorting is another excellent source of information that each person should know about themselves and each other.)



3. At least 4 sessions should be spent with a Christian counselor who is trained in pre-marital counseling. It would be especially helpful to take the inventories mentioned above to the counselor for their input.



4. It is very important that the couple receive affirmations from family and friends during this stage. If they do not (unless there is a good reason), the couple should take the time to listen to the concerns and take steps to ensure that they are embracing and working through them.



1. Once a couple arrives at the point that they “know” that they want to be married and have all the affirmations that they can receive, they can move from the Christian dating stage with confidence into the engagement stage.



2. I do not recommend a prolonged engagement once the couple decides to get married. If they have done the process in a “seasoning” manner, they should plan to marry as practical – with mutual agreement. I say this so that pre-marital sex will not be a temptation.



MARRIAGE STAGE:



The couple should be able to enjoy the blessings of God as well as family and friends as they move into a marriage that has been well planned and confirmed in a healthy process. They can be assured that they have taken the steps to assure a long and satisfying marriage.



There are so many voices at play in our world today. Many of these encourage us to rush into marriage with anyone as soon as we find a strong attraction. This is not wise and God wants to mature you in your Christian dating and bonding process. It is my prayer that Christian singles will use the above to develop their own Christian dating guide for building a strong and satisfying relationship.

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