Dating deal breakers

5 Dating Deal Breakers for Men

There are certain traits that’ll have men running straight for the hills, not the altar. Get clued into these dating deal breakers.

She Doesn’t Have her own Life

One of the best things about a relationship is being able to have a built-in best friend. Your partner is the person you can spend a lazy Sunday with or your big Friday night out. However, be sure to keep the relationships with your own group of friends intact. Men want a woman who’s not only willing but wants to have a girl’s night out. It’s attractive for a woman to have her own hobbies and interests. The time apart only reminds him of just how great you are.

Whether you are a smoker, or constantly the sloppy drunk at the bar, it’s clear your vices could be a deal breaker for a potential mate. Sure, the party was great but while you were getting inebriated he was busy being embarrassed or talking to someone who wasn’t slurring her words. Besides the obvious vices, some men say bad habits like poor hygiene or being very messy are also a turn off. Just think, would you want to date someone with bad breath or a dirty bathroom?

She Doesn’t Tell the Truth

“No one wants to date a liar and trust is the hardest thing to rebuild in a relationship,” says Bay Area-based executive Brian Hauptman. Lying just proves to your potential suitor that you aren’t really interested in a relationship because with Internet search engines and social networking sites it’s simple to do a quick check to see if your story is true. Before lying to your date about your age, career or education just think that if the relationship does work out he is eventually going to find out what your birth date is, where you’re employed or your alma mater—and that’s going to be an awkward conversation to have.

She isn’t Confident

“I hate girls that are always down on themselves,” says Los Angeles-based photographer Todd MacMillan. Women who don’t deal with their personal insecurities before meeting Mr. Right are only setting themselves up for a potential deal breaker. It’s normal to have a bad day but constantly being negative about your body or looks only brings attention to your flaws—real or perceived—and makes you come off bitter and negative, traits that are never attractive. Just like women, men are looking for a mate who is self-assured. Confidence is key.

Cheating (the Ultimate Deal Breaker)

Most men will say cheating gives them carte blanche to call off the relationship. As one of the biggest deal breakers, there are not many second chances when it comes to cheating because it’s setting the person up for another bout of infidelity.

Dating Deal Breakers

If your date has more issues than a magazine, it’s time to cancel the subscription!

On my first date with the guy who is now my husband, I recall asking him if he had ever cheated while in a relationship before. That was important to me. Really important. “Deal breaker” important. If he had said “Yes,” there wouldn’t have been a second date. Fortunately, his answer was a resounding, “No, never.” There was indeed a second date, and a third, and a fourth … and a wedding!

I had coffee with a friend recently who is back in the dating scene. I asked her what her “deal breakers” were. She wasn’t sure what I meant. “You know,” I said, “those things that are absolutely non-negotiable on your part … things about which you aren’t willing to compromise.” I suggested that you have to be clear on these things before you start to date or you might be willing to compromise on things that are really important to you as you find other characteristics really attractive. Ultimately, that means you may lower your standards.

She asked some great questions.

“Can’t people make mistakes,” she asked? “You are all about the power of forgiveness … don’t you believe that some people make mistakes and shouldn’t be penalized for them going forward?” She’s right. I am a huge proponent of the power of forgiveness, but there is a difference between forgiving someone for something they have done in the past, and compromising on your own values and deciding that it isn’t important to you moving forward. I believe in forgiveness, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences or accountability for actions. In my example, I could absolutely see forgiving someone who made a mistake and cheated in a prior relationship, but to me the consequence would have meant no second date with me. Maybe I would have lost out. On the other hand, maybe I would have saved myself some potential heartache. It’s truly a personal decision and one that each person needs to make independently. We each have to set our own standards. My deal breakers may be different than your deal breakers, and vice versa.

“What if you ultimately decide that your deal breaker isn’t really a deal breaker after all?” She said that initially she thought one of her deal breakers would be if a guy was a smoker. She was just starting to date a guy and discovered that while he wasn’t a chain smoker, he did smoke cigars occasionally – usually when he was out with the guys playing cards. She said she would never have considered dating a smoker, but that this didn’t seem like such a big deal. I think we have to be really clear on the parameters of our deal breakers ahead of time so that when we are confronted with them we know where we stand. In this case, her deal breaker of never dating a smoker should have been articulated more clearly. What she really meant was never getting involved with a chain-smoking, cigarette-puffing, nicotine addict. Sure, we can adjust our deal breakers as we go along, but it might be more effective to have them more clearly identified in the beginning!

“What if I fall for a guy even if he has one of my no-doubt-about-it deal breakers?” Well, we are all human, and you have to live with the consequences of your change of heart. If you decide that a deal breaker really isn’t one after all, then fine; just be confident that it honestly and truly isn’t going to resurface as an issue in the future. I’ve seen too many people decide that they are going to “ignore” an issue in the short-term because they are sure they can “change him” in the future. A word to the wise … that doesn’t always work! I haven’t seen too many people succeed when they held out hope in “changing” someone for the better.

If we know in advance what things are our dating deal makers . and which things are our dating deal breakers . it can make the dating process that much more simple. Goodness knows there are too many other things to think about when dating!

What ab out you? Do you know your dating deal breakers? What are they?

Author Monique A. Honaman wrote “The High Road Has Less Traffic: honest advice on the path through love and divorce” (2010) in response to a need for a book that provided honest, real, and raw advice about how to survive and thrive through one of life’s toughest journeys, and “The High Road Has Less Traffic … and a better view” (2013) to provide perspectives on love, marriage, divorce and everything in between. The books are available on Amazon. com. Learn more at www. HighRoadLessTraffic. com .

How deal breakers hinder dating success

Erika Ettin, alittlenudge. com

Posted: Tuesday, August 12, 2014, 3:32 AM

How many deal breakers is it appropriate to have when searching online for a partner? One, five, fifteen? There is no magic number, of course, and Patti Stanger of The Millionaire Matchmaker says that five is a good choice… I tend to agree. If there’s one thing I know from both my own dating experience and from being a dating coach, though, it’s that 125 is too many! Where did I get that crazy number, you ask?

A woman recently posted on Tumblr a section of a guy’s profile on OkCupid that I’ll just say was pretty limiting. And when I say “pretty limiting,” I actually mean ridiculously and obsessively rude and off-putting. Below is just a small sample of his “do not message me if…” section. (For the record, OkCupid actually has a section called “You should message me if…” This means that he actually added this new section to his profile. Classy.)

After reading the entire list, I counted, and I have 20 of his 125 “don’t message me if” qualities. Most notable were:

You consider yourself a happy person. (Umm… guilty as charged.)

You wear uncomfortable clothing and/or shoes for the sake of feminine style. (We all know that women dress for other women!)

You use the term “foodie.” (I’m a foodie, all right, and I’m not sorry about it. I’m just well fed.)

Even if I did fit everything (which I’m pretty sure no one possibly could), I would be so turned off by the negativity that I wouldn’t want to date him anyway! A question I would pose to him is, “Why do some of these things even matter?”

In talking with Sarah Gooding. the resident Dating Coach at PlentyOfFish, she and I agreed that one should create and live by a few key dating deal breakers. Most singles have established certain rules when it comes to dating, but they don't know that they may have too many unnecessary deal breakers that are preventing them from finding a great relationship. To ensure the right person isn't being overlooked, let’s look at these five dating deal breaker rules, courtesy of Sarah and elaborated on by yours truly:

Deal breakers should be qualities, values, or beliefs that won't change.

A lot of clients have said things to me like, “I can’t date him. He’s between jobs.” Does this mean he can’t get a job in the future? Of course not! Income can change; employment status can change; ambition probably can’t.

Create no more than five deal breakers/must haves.

Sit down and really think about what’s important to you. Maybe it’s religious beliefs or level of education. Stick to your guns on those things, but beyond that, explore. As an exercise, picture that perfect person with or without each “deal breaker” and see if it matters. If not, then it’s time to reevaluate your list.

Do not mention your deal breakers in the text of your online dating profile.

Most online dating sites have many check-box questions, such as age, religion, children, etc. This is where the deal breakers will come out. If you want kids, then check that box accurately. No need to then state, “Don’t write to me if you don’t want to have children.”

Don’t use your previous relationship to create future deal breakers.

It’s easy after a relationship ends to want to find the exact opposite type of person, isn’t it? We go through all of the things we loathed about our ex and list those as our new deal breakers. I encourage everyone not to do this because 1) it comes off as fairly bitter and 2) there must have been some good quality in that person if you dated in the first place. Using what you learned from your last relationship, make your list, but don’t make it solely based on what didn’t work the last time.

Also, as a side note, everything that may be a trait that you don’t want in a partner can likely be turned into a trait that you do want. For example:

Negative: I’m not looking for players or serial daters.

Positive: I’m looking for someone who is ready for a committed relationship.

Be open-minded if someone meets all of your criteria. However, if he or she doesn’t, decide if it’s worth giving it a shot.

If someone meets all of the criteria you’ve set for yourself, then it can’t hurt to give it a try. On the one hand, perfect on paper doesn’t equal perfect in real life, so you’ll still have to assess chemistry, but at least you’ll know that you’re off to a good start. On the other hand, if you know that someone has one of your deal breakers (let’s say religion), then perhaps it’s best not to “try that person on” if you know in the long run it’s not something you can live with.

Remember that in the end, what’s often the most important is how someone treats you. Is he or she kind, generous, and giving? How about trustworthy and honest? That’s what matters in life.

A final note to the guy on OkCupid:

I wear yoga pants when I’m not engaging in yoga, and I have participated in a flash mob. We are obviously not meant to be.

Identify Your Own Personal "Deal Breakers" Up Front

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As a single parent, dating and building healthy relationships can be part of taking care of yourself. However, it's vital to identify your own personal deal breakers up front so that you can recognize red flags early on and save yourself and your children some potential heartache. For example, the following types of behaviors should be deal breakers for most dating single moms and dads:

Mistreating You - Never put up with physical or verbal abuse in a dating relationship.

Mistreating Your Children - Whether it's being rude to your children or ignoring them altogether, be extremely cautious about being in a relationship with anyone who is less than 100% kind to your children.

Being Manipulative or Controlling - This is usually a sign of deep insecurity and it's best to allow such an individual to work through his or her issues before even attempting to build a relationship together.

Becoming Too Quickly Dependent on You - Ideally, you want to be in a relationship with someone who can stand on his or her own. It's nice to compliment one another's strengths, but you don't need someone who is going to depend on you completely for his or her emotional well-being.

Lack of Self-Control - Dating someone who explodes in anger or cannot control his or her drinking is definitely a red flag that should not be ignored.

Demeaning Others - Individuals who are condescending or rude to others may eventually treat you the same way.

Making You or Those You Trust Uncomfortable - Trust your instincts. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, do not continue to pursue a relationship with him or her.

Disregarding What's Important to You - Let's say that there's something you really need to talk about, but the person you're dating doesn't think it's important enough to discuss. This type of insensitivity probably won't go away with time.

Having Different Relationship Goals - If you're attracted to someone who isn't ready to commit, and you want more out of the relationship, let it go. You're not likely to change his or her mind, and you deserve to be with someone who wants the same things you do.

The Pros and Cons of Dating Deal Breakers

The other day I had a great Twitter conversation with dating writer Kelly Seal about her fantastic article, “What Are Your Dating Deal-Breakers? ” Kelly was writing mainly for women but her points hold for everyone. I want to add my own perspective to the issue of deal-breakers, specifically explaining when I think they make sense—and when I think they don’t.

By “deal-breakers,” I mean that one thing that drives you so crazy you can’t imagine even going on a date with—much less living with or marrying—someone who did it. It may be smoking. biting fingernails, being sloppy (or excessively neat), or having political views opposite yours.

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We call these traits deal-breakers, because no matter how great a person is in every other way, that one nagging aspect of their personality or behavior matters so much to you that it breaks the deal. The idea always think of those classic episodes of Seinfeld in which Jerry’s friends mock him for breaking up with many interesting, smart, and beautiful women because of some minor flaw—but in real life, not all deal-breakers are so minor.

Generally I think deal-breakers are a bad idea: They elevate one characteristic over all the others that may weigh in a person's favor. Deal-breakers block us from considering or even seeing anything else that might be good about a person. Can you honestly say that a pet peeve is important enough that you would pass up an otherwise fantastic person because of it? Yes? Then imagine that person being even better—is that one characteristic still really that important? I’d be surprised if it were—and I’ve got my own pet peeve.

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We can draw a parallel with ethics. I often describe moral dilemmas as a conflict between principles which need to be weighed and balanced against each other to arrive at a decision. We each adhere to many ethical principles and ideals, some more important to us than others, but we would be hard-pressed to say there was one principle that always took precedence over every other. For everyone who says, “I would never . ” we can usually ratchet up the effect on his or her other principles to a point at which the person would say, “Well, OK, in that situation, maybe.” (Sorry, Meat Loaf .)

It’s the same thing with the things you want (or don’t want) in a partner. No matter how important your deal-breaker is to you, does it really outweigh every other quality a person may have? Can you really not imagine anyone that is good enough in every other way so as to override that sticking point? I admit that I have a deal-breaker—smoking. It’s not based on any moral judgment—I just cannot stand the smell. having lived with it for years while I was young, and then being free of it for a long time since. I’ve met amazing women who smoked, and dismissed them, not even considering asking them out. But part of me always wondered if I was too hasty. What if one of them was perfect for me in every other way? What did I possibly pass up because of that one thing I couldn’t get past?

Having a deal-breaker is the same as putting one ethical principle above all others, demanding that that requirement be fulfilled before you’ll even consider others. But I doubt that any one principle (in ethics) or characteristic (in relationships) can be so important as to override every other, no matter how strong they might be. People have so many different aspects to them and may have so many wonders to reveal to you that you should be wary of foreclosing that possibility because of one pet peeve.

Except . as Kelly points out, if that deal-breaker is something truly harmful, rather than merely annoying. For example, refusing to date someone whom you know (or suspect) is abusive is not a pet peeve—that’s self-protection. Or if something that person does reminds you of someone who hurt you in the past, again, I would consider that a useful decision-making heuristic or rule of thumb based on self-preservation. For example, maybe someone who hurt you in your past shouted a lot, so you avoid dating people who shout. I think that makes sense: It’s not a perfect signal, but we can’t make perfect decisions. Deal-breakers may also protect us from our own bad choices. If you’re a recovering alcoholic, you may not want to date people who drink—not because it says anything negative about that other person, but because endangers your own sobriety. You might lose out on dating a basically great person that just happens to shout a lot or drink, but you would be anxious with them until you knew that a relationship would not lead to abuse or a relapse.

More serious deal-breakers are often reflections or indications of a person’s character and how they are likely to treat you. If a person is violent or dishonest, those are signs about who that person is, not harmless eccentricities that simply annoy us.

Personality traits reveal themselves in different ways as well: The sad part is that many people too often accept abuse from some partners—in part because it reveals itself slowly over time—and reject others based on mere quirks that are obvious from the start. We end up rejecting people for the wrong reasons and staying with others for even worse ones.

In the end, whether you have deal-breakers and what those deal-breakers are comes down to a point I made earlier about compromise in relationships. You need decide what things about a person are truly important to you and demand those things, but not get stuck on lesser things that really don’t matter and will just stand in the way of fulfillment in your love life.

Aside from avoiding people that threaten to harm you, I would recommend ditching the deal-breakers and keeping an open mind when it comes to minor annoyances that may be hiding a truly wonderful person.

For a select list of my previous Psychology Today posts on relationships, self-loathing, and other topics, see here .